OMGsh!! Y'all!!! This is so funny!
and might I just add... I resemble these remarks ;-) LOL
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Hilarious Yoga Mat for Sale Ad on Craigslist
By MindBodyGreen
It
looks like someone in Seattle is selling a yoga mat for $1. The mat was
only used once and comes along with this hilarious usage timeline
detailing the seller's experience in a hot yoga class. (Not such a good
experience).
I doubt the room got up to 175 degrees, but nonetheless, funny.
I also doubt the seller used
Heidi Kristoffer's super-easy method for yoga mat cleaning.
Any takers?
Here's the full text from the Seattle Craigslist ad below:
Yoga mat for sale. Used once. - $1 (Bellevue)
Yoga mat for sale. Used once at lunch hour class in December 2009. Usage timeline as follows:
11:45a
Register
for hot yoga class. Infinite wisdom tells me to commit to 5 class
package and purchase a yoga mat. I pay $89.74. Money well spent, I
smugly confirm to myself.
11:55a
Open door to yoga room. A
gush of hot dry air rushes through and past me. It smells of breath,
sweat and hot. Take spot on floor in back of room next to cute blonde.
We will date.
11:57a
I feel the need to be as near to naked
as possible. This is a problem because of the hot blonde to my left and
our pending courtship. She will not be pleased to learn that I need to
lose 30 pounds before I propose to her.
11:58a
The shirt and
sweats have to come off. I throw caution to the wind and decide to rely
on my wit and conditioning to overcome any weight issues my fiancée may
take issue with. This will take a lot of wit and conditioning.
11:59a
Begin
small talk with my bride to be. She pretends to ignore me but I know
how she can be. I allow her to concentrate and stare straight ahead and
continue to pretend that I don't exist. As we finish sharing our special
moment, I am suddenly aware of a sweat moustache that has formed below
my nose. This must be from the all the whispering between us.
12:00p
Instructor
enters the room and ascends her special podium at the front of the
room. She is a slight, agitated Chinese woman. She introduces me to the
class and everyone turns around to greet me just as I decide to
aggressively adjust my penis and testes packed in my Under Armor. My
bride is notably unfazed.
12:02p
Since I do have experience
with Hot Yoga (4 sessions just 5 short years ago) I fully consider that I
may be so outstanding and skilled that my instructor may call me out
and ask me to guide the class. My wife will look on with a sparkle in
her eye. We will make love after class.
12:10p
It is now up
to 95 degrees in the room. We have been practicing deep breathing
exercises for the last 8 minutes. This would not be a problem if we were
all breathing actual, you know, oxygen. Instead, we are breathing each
other's body odor, expelled carbon dioxide and other unmentionables.
(Don't worry, I'll mention them later.)
12:26p
It is now 100
degrees and I take notice of the humidity, which is hovering at about
90%. I feel the familiar adorning stare of my bride and decide to look
back at her. She appears to be nauseated. I then realize that I forgot
to brush my teeth prior to attending this class. We bond.
12:33p
It
is now 110 degrees and 95% humidity. I am now balancing on one leg with
the other leg crossed over the other. My arms are intertwined and I am
squatting. The last time I was in this position was 44 years ago in the
womb, but I'm in this for the long haul. My wife looks slightly
weathered dripping sweat and her eyeliner is streaming down her face.
Well, "for better or worse" is what we committed to so we press on.
12:40p
The
overweight Hispanic man two spots over has sweat running down his legs.
At least I think its sweat. He is holding every position and has not
had a sip of water since we walked in. He is making me look bad and I
hate him.
12:44p
I consider that if anyone in this room farted that we would all certainly perish.
12:52p
It
is now 140 degrees and 100% humidity. I am covered from head to toe in
sweat. There is not a square millimeter on my body that is not slippery
and sweaty. I am so slimy that I feel like a sea lion or a maybe sea
eel. Not even a bear trap could hold me. The sweat is stinging my
eyeballs and I can no longer see.
12:55p
This room stinks of
asparagus, cloves, tuna and tacos. There is no food in the room. I
realize that this is an amalgamation of the body odors of 30 people in a
140 degree room for the last 55 minutes. Seriously, enough with the
asparagus, ok?
1:01p
140 degrees and 130% humidity. Look,
bitch, I need my space here so don't get all pissy with me if I
accidentally sprayed you with sweat as I flipped over. Seriously, is
that where this relationship is going? Get over yourself. We need
counseling and she needs to be medicated. Stat!
1:09p
150
degrees and cloudy. And hot. I can no longer move my limbs on my own. I
have given up on attempting any of the commands this Chinese chick is
yelling out at us. I will lay sedentary until the aid unit arrives. I
will buy this building and then have it destroyed.
I lose consciousness.
1:15p
I
have a headache and my wife is being a selfish bitch. I can't really
breathe. All I can think about is holding a cup worth of hot sand in my
mouth. I cannot remember what an ice cube is and cannot remember what
snow looks like. I consider that my only escape might be a crab walk
across 15 bodies and then out of the room. I am paralyzed, and may never
walk again so the whole crab walk thing is pretty much out.
1:17p
I
cannot move at all and cannot reach my water. Is breathing voluntary or
involuntary? If it's voluntary, I am screwed. I stopped participating
in the class 20 minutes ago. Hey, lady! I paid for this frickin class,
ok?! You work for me! Stop yelling at everyone and just tell us a story
or something. It's like juice and cracker time, ok?
1:20p
It
is now 165 degrees and moisture is dripping from the ceiling. The towel
that I am laying on is no longer providing any wicking or drying
properties. It is actually placing additional sweat on me as I touch it.
My towel reeks. I cannot identify the smell but no way can it be from
me. Did someone spray some stank on my towel or something?
1:30p
Torture
session is over. I wish hateful things upon the instructor. She
graciously allows us to stay and 'cool down' in the room. It is 175
degrees. Who cools down in 175 degrees? A Komodo Dragon? My wife has
left the room. Probably to throw up.
1:34p
My opportunity to
escape has arrived. I roll over to my stomach and press up to my knees.
It is warmer as I rise up from ground level - probably by 15 degrees. So
let's conservatively say it's 190. I muster my final energy and slowly
rise. One foot in front of the other. One foot in front of the other.
Towards the door. Towards the door.
1:37p
The temperature in
the lobby is 72 degrees. Both nipples stiffen to diamond strength and my
penis begins to retract into my abdomen from the 100 degree temp swing.
I can once again breathe though so I am pleased. I spot my future ex
wife in the lobby. We had such a good thing going but I know that no
measure of counseling will be able to unravel the day's turmoil and
mental scaring.
1:47p
Arrive at Emerald City Smoothie and
proceed to order a 32 oz beverage. 402 calories, 0 fat and 14 grams of
protein -- effectively negating any caloric burn or benefit from the
last 90 minutes. I finish it in 3 minutes and spend the next 2 hours
writing this memoir.
3:47p
Create Craigslist ad while burning final 2 grams of protein from Smoothie and before the "shakes" consume my body.
4:29p
Note to self - check car for missing wet yoga towel in am.
hugs,
k.
