Throw pillows with a funny story

Setting the stage:

People who know me {personally} know I say and do things that most normal people only think of saying or doing.  It's just who I am.  Please note that I do have a [semi] filter so the things I say/do are often pretty funny (not rude).... even if only to myself.  (some laugh with... some laugh at... but either way, it's all good...cause they laugh... right?!)

So here's where this is going:

Back in April, our very large community had a very large garage sale.  Man, oh man!!  I am SUCH a sucker for garage sales!  BUT since we just moved here, and I had a. lot. of crap to dispose of {and I needed some moola to CMA (cover my a$$) for all the "goodies" I've been collecting for the new house} I desperately needed to have my own sale.

  Needless to say, to hold my own, was going to prove to be quite a challenge for me.  I told my best sister-friend that I was going to have Josh run ours, while I went out and shopped!  (because that is just sooo like me!)

 Well, I don't think the hubs found a lot of humor in that~ sooo I ran ours.  

To ensure I would actually HAVE mine, and not skip out and shop,  I teamed up with my best gal pal and brought all my crap to her house!  After we set up, at the freakin butt crack of dawn, the shoppers arrived.  I made small talk with a sweet lady that was scoring big on some of my schtuff, throwing ideas around with her as she was decorating her new home.  She left... went next door and did some more shopping.  My gal pal and mom encouraged me to go over there and see what they had, but I declined.  I was determined I was going to actually PROFIT, not break even. That my getting up at 5am was certainly not going to be for nothin'!

About the time I was saying "nooo.. that's ok...",  I see my new found friend walking across the street to her car carrying a set of black and white pillows I HAD. TO. HAVE!

{this is where my "unique-borderline-cahRAZY" personality kicks in}

I freaked!! 

I gasped!! 

I HAD to get them!

I began muttering run on sentences like "OMGSH, they would totally match my decor", "Holy CRAP!  I've been looking for that print!!", "I'm gonna do it!  I'm buying them from her!"

 

So I grabbed some money out of my {profit} box and ran over to her..  

As she was putting the pillows that I had to have in her car, I was like 

"HEY!  WOW!  I LOVE those pillows!!! Do you really, really love them???"  

She looked at me all wide-eyed and befuddled... (I'm not crazy lady...chill with deer in the head lights looks, already)  

She murmured something like "ummmmmm no?????"   

So I asked her what she paid.  

She said $2.... 

TWO DOLLARS?!?!  As in a dollar a piece TWO DOLLARS?!?!

  

(y'all.... please know... in my head... I AM becoming the Ikea lady!!)   

So, I offered her $5 if she'd sell them to me.

And she DID!

GAHHH!!!!!

   **watch this now for the full affect!**

 I GOT THE PILLOWS!!

I. GOT. THE. PILLOWS!!!!

WOOOO HOOOO!!!!!!!

By now, my mom and BGP were hysterical!  They about peed their pants!

I have no shame, people.

None. 

Bet by now, you're SUPER curious to see these coveted pillows, aren'cha?!

First... here's my couch pillows and why I needed the garage sale pillows....

And here's what the garage-sale-pillows-that-I-bought-off-another-person-who-already-bought-the-pillows pillows look like....

For $2.50 a piece!  

Oh... I forgot to mention.. 

They had never, even ONCE, been used!

See why I just HAD to have them?!  

They. are. perfect!

Have you ever done something so off the wall that you can't help but giggle (even if it's only on the inside) every time you think of it?!

hugs,

k.

My home... The Chicken Coup!

As most of you know, I lovingly refer to my kids as "chickens".  

What you may not know is why....

Have you ever had a day where all you hear (in tandem) is 

"Mom", "Mom", "Mom", "Mom", "Mom", "Mom", "Mom", "Mom", "Mom", "Mom", "Mom", "Mom", " MOMM",  

"MOMMMMMM!"

"Can I have this..." , "Can I have that.."

" Can we go here....",  "Can we go there...."

"Can so and so come over?"

NON-STOP!  BY ALL YOUR KIDS.... AT. THE. SAME. TIME!

And your brain is like 

"FOR PETE'S SAKE, WOMAN!! MAKE IT STOPPPPPP!!!!"

Welp... this is why lovingly refer to my kids as chickens!

And I wouldn't want to be in any other coup but mine! :)

What about you?  Do you have chickens, too??  

hugs,

k.

You know.. The Piece of Furniture that has drawers

So every one knows that this is called a Chest of Drawers. 

I mean it's pretty self explanatory...  It is a chest (a piece of furniture that houses items) and it has drawers that fit in it's frame.  It makes sense, right?? 

Source: foreverpinkcottagechic.com via Deanna on Pinterest

WRONG!!!!!

I'm going to tell you a story.  A true story.  One that you will read, laugh and shake your head.

And I'm ok with that. 

In 1999, our family moved from Louisiana to Minnesota.  {It was a feat, let me tell ya...  But since it has nothing to do with my story, I'll spare ya!}

 {{ But it is key to note that we are from Louisiana and we have been known to drop letters from words or replace them with other letters to make a different sound, but they still mean the same thing!  And we all know wha'chall are talkin about bu-cause we're all from the same place.}}

Ok.. fast forward to MN..

We found it easiest and fastest if I stayed in the apartment and directed where things went rather than me being in the truck grabbing a load, while the men stood there waiting on me to find out where to put things.

And since you all should know by now that my ever-so-lovingly nickname is THE QUEEN.. It was a job I was meant for and didn't complain when it was appointed to me~ ;)

Fast forward to the last bedroom being brought up from U Haul into the apartment.....

As I directed a particular piece of furniture to be placed in this particular spot,  my husband stops... 

sets it down... 

looks at me... 

and says 

"What's this called?"

Me, ever so frankly:  "A Chester drawer"

Hubs: "OH, you mean a CHEST OF DRAWERS?!"

{At this point I can only imagine the look on my face as I came to realize that I, the Queen, have called this piece of furniture THE WRONG FLIPPIN NAME my en.tire. life!!  -- Not to mention the ENTIRE DAY IN FRONT OF EVERY NORTHERNER THERE TO HELP US!! 

As I stood there wide-eyed, stoic and thinking  "Oh dear God, just shoot me now!"  My darling husbands says.... 

 "Who the hell is Chester, anyway!?"

BAAAHAHAHahahahahahahahaha!

True story, y'all!

hugs,
k.

I am just a big chicken is all

Here's the story about my ALMOST tattoo!

I'm verklempted!  I truly am....  

I have been saying that for my 40th birthday (which is June 6th in case you were wondering and thinking of getting me something), that I am getting a tattoo!  I know, I know!!  It's unexpected and out-landish in character for me, right?!  So I figured it's pretty dang perfect! 

Well yesterday, I had the opportunity to go with several of my co-workers annnndddd.....

I. CHICKENED. OUT!!! 

And not just chickened out... I'm talkin a FULL ON PANIC kinda chickenin' out!

Y'all... I 'bout made mehself sick with anticipation!  And to be honest, it quite surprised me because I was up until almost 2 am the night before researching my perfect font/design..what-have-you.. and then I couldn't do it.

So I am sure you're all wondering what my big ol'chicken butt WAS gonna get and where.  

Picture it... Along the outside of my foot, just below my ankle, was going to say " I am my King's ".   My original thought was "be still and know"... after Psalm 46:10 Be still and know that I am God~.  But after much mental debate, I decided on the later. 

My middle daughter has a purity ring that says "I am my King's, and my King is mine" and I soo LOVE that!  For me, all un-pure and such, it's a reminder of my worth and where I belong in this crazy world!  Both sayings have great meaning to me so either would've worked for my personal use, but I could picture me always feeling like I had to explain "be still and know".... and I really don't care to have a repetitive conversation with that many people.  I thought about having a shirt made with the explanation but then every one would be looking at my boobs and I didn't want that either, so... I went with the self-explanatory saying.   Well, I almost did anyway!  :\

Plaah~lease tell me you've had a BIG-OL-DELFATED-ALMOST-DID-IT-CHICKEN-MOMENT too!!

Amendment

{to my earlier (as in 5 hrs ago) post... I'm going with my original thought! Took a family tally and it won out! See... this is the "chicken" part for me... it's a big final decision and I'm an indecisive person!  Gah!!}

Ugh! I'm on a diet....

... and this is my goal! 

Source: agnijagrigule.tumblr.com via Kristy on Pinterest

I mean really.... Is that too much to ask?! 

Yoga mat, anyone?

OMGsh!! Y'all!!!   This is so funny! 

and might I just add...  I resemble these remarks ;-)  LOL

**************************************

Hilarious Yoga Mat for Sale Ad on Craigslist

By MindBodyGreen

It looks like someone in Seattle is selling a yoga mat for $1. The mat was only used once and comes along with this hilarious usage timeline detailing the seller's experience in a hot yoga class. (Not such a good experience).

I doubt the room got up to 175 degrees, but nonetheless, funny.

I also doubt the seller used Heidi Kristoffer's super-easy method for yoga mat cleaning.

Any takers?

Here's the full text from the Seattle Craigslist ad below:

Yoga mat for sale. Used once. - $1 (Bellevue)

Yoga mat for sale. Used once at lunch hour class in December 2009. Usage timeline as follows:

11:45a
Register for hot yoga class. Infinite wisdom tells me to commit to 5 class package and purchase a yoga mat. I pay $89.74. Money well spent, I smugly confirm to myself.

11:55a
Open door to yoga room. A gush of hot dry air rushes through and past me. It smells of breath, sweat and hot. Take spot on floor in back of room next to cute blonde. We will date.

11:57a
I feel the need to be as near to naked as possible. This is a problem because of the hot blonde to my left and our pending courtship. She will not be pleased to learn that I need to lose 30 pounds before I propose to her.

11:58a
The shirt and sweats have to come off. I throw caution to the wind and decide to rely on my wit and conditioning to overcome any weight issues my fiancée may take issue with. This will take a lot of wit and conditioning.

11:59a
Begin small talk with my bride to be. She pretends to ignore me but I know how she can be. I allow her to concentrate and stare straight ahead and continue to pretend that I don't exist. As we finish sharing our special moment, I am suddenly aware of a sweat moustache that has formed below my nose. This must be from the all the whispering between us.

12:00p
Instructor enters the room and ascends her special podium at the front of the room. She is a slight, agitated Chinese woman. She introduces me to the class and everyone turns around to greet me just as I decide to aggressively adjust my penis and testes packed in my Under Armor. My bride is notably unfazed.

12:02p
Since I do have experience with Hot Yoga (4 sessions just 5 short years ago) I fully consider that I may be so outstanding and skilled that my instructor may call me out and ask me to guide the class. My wife will look on with a sparkle in her eye. We will make love after class.

12:10p
It is now up to 95 degrees in the room. We have been practicing deep breathing exercises for the last 8 minutes. This would not be a problem if we were all breathing actual, you know, oxygen. Instead, we are breathing each other's body odor, expelled carbon dioxide and other unmentionables. (Don't worry, I'll mention them later.)

12:26p
It is now 100 degrees and I take notice of the humidity, which is hovering at about 90%. I feel the familiar adorning stare of my bride and decide to look back at her. She appears to be nauseated. I then realize that I forgot to brush my teeth prior to attending this class. We bond.

12:33p
It is now 110 degrees and 95% humidity. I am now balancing on one leg with the other leg crossed over the other. My arms are intertwined and I am squatting. The last time I was in this position was 44 years ago in the womb, but I'm in this for the long haul. My wife looks slightly weathered dripping sweat and her eyeliner is streaming down her face. Well, "for better or worse" is what we committed to so we press on.

12:40p
The overweight Hispanic man two spots over has sweat running down his legs. At least I think its sweat. He is holding every position and has not had a sip of water since we walked in. He is making me look bad and I hate him.

12:44p
I consider that if anyone in this room farted that we would all certainly perish.

12:52p
It is now 140 degrees and 100% humidity. I am covered from head to toe in sweat. There is not a square millimeter on my body that is not slippery and sweaty. I am so slimy that I feel like a sea lion or a maybe sea eel. Not even a bear trap could hold me. The sweat is stinging my eyeballs and I can no longer see.

12:55p
This room stinks of asparagus, cloves, tuna and tacos. There is no food in the room. I realize that this is an amalgamation of the body odors of 30 people in a 140 degree room for the last 55 minutes. Seriously, enough with the asparagus, ok?

1:01p
140 degrees and 130% humidity. Look, bitch, I need my space here so don't get all pissy with me if I accidentally sprayed you with sweat as I flipped over. Seriously, is that where this relationship is going? Get over yourself. We need counseling and she needs to be medicated. Stat!

1:09p
150 degrees and cloudy. And hot. I can no longer move my limbs on my own. I have given up on attempting any of the commands this Chinese chick is yelling out at us. I will lay sedentary until the aid unit arrives. I will buy this building and then have it destroyed.
I lose consciousness.

1:15p
I have a headache and my wife is being a selfish bitch. I can't really breathe. All I can think about is holding a cup worth of hot sand in my mouth. I cannot remember what an ice cube is and cannot remember what snow looks like. I consider that my only escape might be a crab walk across 15 bodies and then out of the room. I am paralyzed, and may never walk again so the whole crab walk thing is pretty much out.

1:17p
I cannot move at all and cannot reach my water. Is breathing voluntary or involuntary? If it's voluntary, I am screwed. I stopped participating in the class 20 minutes ago. Hey, lady! I paid for this frickin class, ok?! You work for me! Stop yelling at everyone and just tell us a story or something. It's like juice and cracker time, ok?

1:20p
It is now 165 degrees and moisture is dripping from the ceiling. The towel that I am laying on is no longer providing any wicking or drying properties. It is actually placing additional sweat on me as I touch it. My towel reeks. I cannot identify the smell but no way can it be from me. Did someone spray some stank on my towel or something?

1:30p
Torture session is over. I wish hateful things upon the instructor. She graciously allows us to stay and 'cool down' in the room. It is 175 degrees. Who cools down in 175 degrees? A Komodo Dragon? My wife has left the room. Probably to throw up.

1:34p
My opportunity to escape has arrived. I roll over to my stomach and press up to my knees. It is warmer as I rise up from ground level - probably by 15 degrees. So let's conservatively say it's 190. I muster my final energy and slowly rise. One foot in front of the other. One foot in front of the other. Towards the door. Towards the door.

1:37p
The temperature in the lobby is 72 degrees. Both nipples stiffen to diamond strength and my penis begins to retract into my abdomen from the 100 degree temp swing. I can once again breathe though so I am pleased. I spot my future ex wife in the lobby. We had such a good thing going but I know that no measure of counseling will be able to unravel the day's turmoil and mental scaring.

1:47p
Arrive at Emerald City Smoothie and proceed to order a 32 oz beverage. 402 calories, 0 fat and 14 grams of protein -- effectively negating any caloric burn or benefit from the last 90 minutes. I finish it in 3 minutes and spend the next 2 hours writing this memoir.

3:47p
Create Craigslist ad while burning final 2 grams of protein from Smoothie and before the "shakes" consume my body.

4:29p
Note to self - check car for missing wet yoga towel in am.

 Here's the link to more fun!

  hugs,

k.

 MEET CARRIE, A SASSY REDHEAD!!

Ok.. so today I just HAVE to introduce you all to Carrie, from A Sassy RedHead.  She is SO stinkin funny and I think you'll think so too!  Just to prove it... Here is her blog post from last night!  :)


Enjoy!

hugs,
k.

**************************************************************************

A Butt-cut and a Watusi. And I don’t even know what a watusi is.

Let me tell you something.


I don’t know much, but I do know one thing.

Girlfriends you can get catty, down and dirty with are the best.

Every Monday night at 6:58 pm, you will find me hurdling my sofa like a 6th grade track star.  Headed
straight to my recliner.

Remote in one hand.

iPhone in the other.

(Not cute.  Trust me.)

(The hurdling part.)

And I log on to Twitter.

(Which I did NOT like, understand, believe in, feel warm and fuzzy about or waste my time with 3 months ago.)

(God help your soul if you call during that time.)

(The folks included.)

Anyway.

I log on and find my girls.

My Bachelor Love Shits.

(I’m sure they could come up with a snazzier name for us but I can’t think right now.  I’m hungry.)

There are 7 of us and most of the time we have wine.  Or something adulty and alchoholicky.

And we do our best to follow Connie’s Bachelor Drinking Game Rules for that night’s episode.

(But really…after a glass or two, who goes by any rules?)

(Because women tend to just make up the rules as they go.)

We have big group conversations and little mini-conversations.

(Or as much of a conversation as you can with 140 characters.)

(And in my world, a space or comma or exclamation should not be a character.)

Here’s just a teensy bit of the catty, giggly girl-talk that goes on for 2 solid hours.

I’m sure after 714 seasons, you’ve heard of this hideous show.

We all agree that Ben, this years bachelor, has a butt-cut.

We all hate his hair.  And God knows how important good hair is to women on their men.






And then well, as the wine or adulty alcholicky drinks flow…we get on a roll.

And we take our Bachelor shit serious.







As those heavenly 2 hours go on…we can kinda get a little catty.

(But really?  There’s wine and women.)











Yep…I might as well just drag a hot pink porta-potty right into my living room.

The laughs and giggles fear no commercial breaks.

And I usually always learn something from these great girls.  And this last Bachelor gathering…it was a new word.

Watusi.

(That just sounds friggin awesome.)

And I’m not even sure what it is.  But I don’t care.  I’m using it.

Quite regularly, I might say.







Never in my life did I think I would look so forward to seeing a butt-cut every Monday night.

But I do.

As long as I have these girls right there with me.

And as long as there are single people in this world willing to sell their souls for a little bit of fame (and
ABC is willing to pimp them out), I’ll hurdle that sofa on Monday nights.

With my wine.

To settle in for 2 hours of some of the best girl-talk and giggles.

They are total love shit to me.

Total.

Find us on Twitter each Monday night.

And find them here:
Iris – The Bearded Iris
Connie – The Young and The Relentless
Jeanne – Inside NanaBread’s Head
Kristy – Living Life (Un)simply
Kirsten – Comfortably Domestic
Denisha – You’ll just have to say ‘hey’ to her here.


So, until next Monday night…here’s to butt-cuts, watusi’s and good old-fashioned love shit!

An almost 40 yr old should not do what a 5 yr old can do!

Hey ya~  So I thought I might share a little embarrassing real life moment I had at work today...

So, I'm a preschool teacher, right.  Most days, when it's especially nice out, we have a second "recess" time on the play ground.  I am usually that teacher that will run around like a doofus "scaring" the kids, tickling them til the fall to the ground in laughter, slide with them.. you get the picture. This, was just an ordinary day.  We were all out on the pebble filled play ground and the kids wanted me to play tag. Ok, sure. It was pretty close to pick up time, parents were already waiting in their cars~ watching the kids play, and I thought I'd run these little buggers before they went home. Smart teacher. {insert a high five} So, I proceed to chase kids, they chase me, I chase them.. you get it. A normal game of tag.  It was my turn to be "it" and I thought I'd outsmart these smarties that always seem to gang up on me when I'm not "it".. even thought there is only ONE "it" person! ;)   So I walked up the stairs onto the playscape and watched.... They were all taunting me with the whole "you can't get me.. you can't get me..."  [Oh yea!!! We'll just see about that!]  So I catch this one kid coming up the stairs out of my periphery.  As I turn around to face him he goes flying down the slide laughing... So, naturally, I go flying down the slide laughing... proceeding then to run after him.  Well. That's when my fast moving world changed a bit. My feet got firmly planted in the thickness of the rocks and hole the smarty pants had been digging!   Now, if you know ANYTHING at about Newton's Law of Motion (you know... a body in motion stays in motion... that whole thing) then you have your visual.  My feet stopped dead in their tracks in the hole... but my body... yeah. It kept on a' goin!  This is precisely why an almost 40 yr old should not do what a 5 yr old can do!

Source: 9gag.com via Kristy on Pinterest

Linking up with laughter!

My Life and Kids

The ugly sweater....

We've all gotten them... the dreaded UGLY SWEATER!

Source: ebay.com via Julia on Pinterest

You know the one, from the family member that thinks it's wonderful and you're like "uhh... what?!  Pah-leeease tell me this is a white elephant exchange and I didn't get the memo?!"

You know you should smile and say thank you and be grateful and appreciative...but com'mon! Even THIS may be asking more than what even HE is capable of...

Source: toptenz.net via Sarah on Pinterest

 So what do you do with it now??   Do you keep it?   Do you, OMGSH.... WEAR it and take Holiday pictures in it??

Source: Uploaded by user via Kimberly on Pinterest

OOOORRRRRR

Do you do what we did......

Source: accidentalmommies.com via Megan on Pinterest

and REGIFT IT!!!  ;)


♥  Hoping this Christmas season finds you very, very MERRY!!!  ♥

No words... ; )

This is Big Daddy....

This is my prized Halloween possession...

See the resemblance!?!

Umm... WHAT?!?!

My girls have had a lesson about battery acid.  You see, several years ago (as in quite a few severals) we pulled a game off the shelf that had not been played with in quite a while.  As the girls were taking out all of the components of the game, they noticed something weird on one of the pieces.  It was battery acid.  Well, as any good mother who wins all sorts of "Mother of the Year" awards would do, I seized the moment and began to explain in great gory detail why they are never EVER to touch it! If they ever see any acid, they are to immediately bring me whatever they have!  (Boy, did I ever put the fear in them about battery acid and how it would eat away ALL their skin~ 'cause you know, sometimes you have to really make an impression to prove your seriousness!)  Well, one morning before school Libby, then age 5, came running down the stairs hollering "MOM!!  MOOOOMMMM!!"  As I ran to meet her at the stairs to see what all the commotion was about, I noticed she was holding a flashlight in her hand.  She was rambling on 90 mph about "that stuff"!!  When I went to take the flashlight out of her hand, she quickly pulled back and with great urgency began shouting "NOO!!  NOOO!!!!   YOU CAN'T TOUCH IT!!!    IT HAS ASS MOLD!!!"
Ummm... WHAT?!?!?!   She was trying to show me it had battery ACID on the outside!!  OMGSH!!!
Needless to say, we all about fell over laughing!! Ass mold... hmmm... That's what we'd call a "Libbyism" at it's very finest! ;)

I seriously love to reflect back on the funny things my kids used to say!  Even in their teenage stage of life, they still come up with some of the funniest things I've ever heard!   
How about your kiddos??  Do they have "ism's" like my sweet Libby??   I'd love to hear some of the things your kids have said!

Til next time...  Watch out for "ass mold" .... It'll eat away all your skin  ; )